Cecily O'Connor
RedwoodAge.com
For many dads, quitting jobs to spend more time with kids is fast becoming the manly thing to do.
About 37 percent of working fathers say they'd leave their jobs if their spouse or partner made enough money to support the family, according to a news survey. If given the choice, another 38 percent would take a pay-cut to spend more time with their kids.
"The traditional role of mom and dad in the household has evolved, and we're seeing a blending of those responsibilities," said Jennifer Sullivan, a spokeswoman for CareerBuilder.com, which surveyed 1,521 full-time-working men with children at home under the age of 18.
The survey didn't segment respondents by age groups, but many baby boomer men face a push-pull in balancing their work and family lives. About 334,000 married men between the ages of 45 to 54 had children under six, according to 2006 data from the Census Bureau; 1.8 million married men between 45 to 54 had some kids under 17.
While the high cost of living in some places like the San Francisco Bay Area makes it difficult for a couple to live on one income, Armin Brott, author of "The Expectant Father" and other how-to books for dads, said he receives e-mail from men in other states who said they are cutting back on work.
"It's not so much as completely saying 'The hell with this job. I'll be a stay-at-home-dad," said Mr. Brott. "But there's a lot of unwillingness to take extended business trips or promotions or transfers that would keep (fathers) away from their kids."
Greater involvement
Tending to their brood is a much different experience than it was 50 years
ago. The view of "working father" is changing dramatically, Mr. Brott
said. Consider that previous generations satisfied the definition of "good
father" by holding down a steady job and providing for their families, he
said.
"But that's all they were allowed to do," Mr. Brott said. "Years later, we've changed the definition. With more woman getting into the workplace, there are greater expectations for fathers to be involved."
At the same time, becoming an at-home dad carries a certain stigma for men, said Mr. Brott, noting there's a perception that leaving the workforce will reveal a "lack of seriousness" about one's professional aspirations.
Adding to the confusion is the tendency of men, in general, to not share their work/life balance concerns with others.
"There are so many guys in the same spot," Mr. Brott said. "But few will actually ask another guy, 'Hey, what's going on? Let's talk to the boss and work something out.'"
Missing out
Some dads, however, are reaching a boiling point. Nearly one-in-four working
dads feel work is negatively impacting their relationship with their children,
according to the survey. Forty-eight percent have missed a significant event in
their child's life due to work at least once in the last year and nearly
one-in-five have missed four or more.
The hours that working dads spend on work far exceeds the time spent with their children. More than one in four dads say they spend more than 50 hours a week on work and nearly one in 10 spend more than 60 hours. Meanwhile, a quarter of working dads spend less than seven hours a week with their kids; 42 percent spend less than 14 hours a week.
More companies like IBM and J.P. Morgan Chase offer various programs and options to promote a work/life balance for women, but some working dads contend their employers need to catch up. About 36 percent of dads said their company doesn't offer flexible work arrangements like telecommuting and job sharing, the survey found.
Often, flexibility comes down to the relationship a man has with his direct supervisor, as well as his performance record, Ms. Sullivan said. "If you want to get creative in scheduling, you have to earn the right to do so," she said.
Here are five tips to gain a healthy work/life balance:
- Keep in touch. Make a quick call in between meetings and let your children know they are top of mind.
- Plan a kid-friendly gathering. If co-workers in your department have kids, ask your boss if you can have a kid-friendly potluck for lunch on a Friday.
- Give undivided attention. When you are at home spending time with your family, turn off your cell phone and step away from the e-mails. Take a page from Mr. Rogers and change out of work clothes to get in the at-home mindset, Mr. Brott said. If you bring work home, do it after the kids have gone to bed.
- Keep one calendar. Schedule baseball games and recitals on the same calendar you use for meetings and travel to make sure you never double-book yourself.
- Make time. Set up a family activity at least once a week that encourages interaction. Go for a bike ride, or take a trip to the playground. And don't forget to book a date night with your significant other.
Mr. Brott also noted that men who are considering becoming stay-at-home dads have a growing number of resources such as books, blogs and chat groups in which to avail themselves. AtHomeDad, for example, can link dads to playgroups in their area, as well as numerous blogs for information on issues at-home dads face, and joys and frustrations of child-rearing.
